A few weeks ago my daughter wasn't doing so well and I noticed she wasn't moving her right arm.
Maybe naively I was under the impression that we would go to the gp, get some medication and after a few days we would be back to normal.
Within hours we were sitting in an emergency room but still I had hope we would be home soon.
Boy was I wrong and OH SO very unprepared.
After maybe 30 minutes of sleep within 24 hours, my Bean and I were woken up from a orthopaedic doctor telling me soon my baby will have to go under anaesthetic and in for an MRI, which resulted in her having to go under again only a short time after being in recovery as she needed emergency surgery.
That day we went through some brutal stuff, hands down the worse day of my daughters life and most definitely the worst of mine as a mother.
Sparing all the heartbreaking details, needless to say we both didn't sleep for about a week , and for both us, it was so physically demanding. I came to a point, I think at day three, where I could barely hold my daughter because of the soul shattering pain I was in. I wasn't emotionally ready for that fact.
I had to do what I could to settle her, gave her a bottle and slowly furniture walked out of the hospital room into the bathroom and found a corner to cry. It took about 30 minutes to pull myself together and thankfully Bean had fallen asleep but every time I looked over and saw her, I lost it all again.
As the hours went on , the days got harder and the nights remained sleepless, I did what so many of us do, somehow I did what needed to be done and did everything I could as a mother. I took breaks where I could, when she was asleep and when my partner or her aunt visited but not shockingly it wasn't enough.
On the fifth night at around 2 am I lost my shit. I broke down and for the first time , my daughter was in distress and I simply couldn't do it. I called in nurses who I'd only ever made jokes with and as tears were streaming down my face I handed her over to them , saying "Please please help me".
I walked away and screamed in a locked room, my body was failing me, my mental health was broken and I couldn't be the mother my daughter needed at the time.
It has taken the last few weeks to deal with the fact that I had to walk away , and I still don't know if I have fully come to terms with it. However I can also step back and realise that I did what was best for my Bean. She needed those nurses who knew how to help her in those moments.
After I got home my body shut down and while I am having better days here and there, I am still overall struggling (the current Covid-19 stress and weather changes aren't helping) but I realise now the best thing I can do for my baby sometimes is ask for help and taking that little time to myself can be crucial. Whether that's taking 10 minutes so I can really listen to my body, watch some mind numbing YouTube or taking a step outside to have a real deep breath.
The reason I am writing this is because lying in hospital on these long nights, I tried to look for something that might give me advice and maybe selfishly, I was looking for something to make me feel better.
Even if it's just everyday life, sometimes it's so overwhelming and sometimes you get on with it but that can bit you in the ass, so maybe once in a while, take a step back , take a deep breath and if you need help... know you can ask for it.
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