So, its been no secret that I have been struggling mentally.
Today its all getting harder.
It seems from the moment I wake up I am getting bombarded by things that make my blood boil. The dishes that I asked 14 times to get done, are still sprawled out over the benches, the high chair is filthy, my knee keeps giving out while I am trying to change my daughters bum, or even after all that I just want to pee by myself.
My child has been sick over the last two days and she passed onto my partner, who is on his death bed because his throat sometimes hurts.
I spend the entire day running from what felt like every corner of this earth to trying and sort all the things that needed to be done ( we have an inspection tomorrow) and it was not only physically getting to me but also a lot mentally.
After Bean went to bed and Ty finally moved from the couch, I thought finally! I would get some me time, all I wanted to do was call my friend after her first day back at work , I would enjoy maybe a hour of silence and then I would be back to folding stupid amount of washing before I eventually pass out… I was planning on having a glass of wine in there too.
However after I hung up from friend and I settled into my bed to start watching a show that I’d been waiting to watch, my baby starts screaming. I tried to comfort her and put her back down before giving up and letting her sit with me to watch the show while simultaneously trying to keep her from leaping to her death off the bed. I had this moment of defeat.
My baby is sick ,and it sucks but there’s nothing we can do about it. She is so young all I can do is comfort her and hope she eventually gets comfortable or at least so exhausted she sleeps. But my partner who is thinking about writing his will at this point is a full grown dude who I feel could of better helped me out and got hella resentful for a hot minute.
I am aware my perceptions on these events may of been different if I myself wasn’t constantly feeling sick and constantly in pain. I know that I am full grown woman, a mother and someone who has truely taken care of myself alone for so long but…
When the FUCK will someone take care of me???
I know this may seem selfish, of course I have my friends who check in, my dad who helps out when he can but when the night comes and I am silently losing my shit, who is awaiting my call to confirm I am okay or making sure I am comfortable , that I feel safe in every way, and then I realise, maybe beyond even that. When do I get to have a break? Throw a tantrum? Truely refuse any responsibility even for an hour ?
Well , I don’t get to do any of those things and I think the more that I am struggling with a lot of things, the more I find it harder to deal with. I am constantly trying to improve myself for the betterment of the people around me, or make everyone else feel taken care off and while i know I should take care of me ( self care and shit) i realised I really don’t know how to..
Anyway
Rant over.. my one small glass of wine has turned into maybe 4.
I still have to go fold washing and try to achieve at leave 15 minutes of ‘me’ time before I do this all again tomorrow
x Night.
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