It's 9.30 at night and I am eating dinner.
I've not stopped all day between things and this was finally my time to stop and relax. As I sit down to my dinner, my partner gets up and says goodnight to me and heads to bed. While I like being alone , I really haven't had time to be with him all day and sometimes I wish I could share dinner with someone.
Almost like clock work , Bean starts screaming at the top her lungs. I go in and she can't be calmed. After trying to give her a new bottle, I decide to let her cry out.
So I sit , alone, listening to my daughter scream, eating a dinner I no longer wanted.
This has been my days more often than not lately.
There has been calm, with things that haven't been done looming above my head.
But it seems all at once, there's something that ended up wrong, someone I need to call, Bean is screaming or doing something naughty, our cat is crying out so damn loud and I cant be bothered with the argument I am having with my partner, to be honest I feel like I am losing it.
Life, under normal circumstances, is pretty full on at times. But being literally trapped in what you want to get some time away from is a whole different ball game.
You try to take time for yourself but then the guilts of the day and the things you should or shouldn't of done comes back to bite you in the ass so that the 'time to yourself' is really just spent on stressing about everyone else thoughts and feeling.
Even though at this very moment I would like to say " At least I am trying to balance it all and manage", it feels like more of a failure to me. Why am I trying so hard when I am still getting no where?
I reason with myself that trying means maybe one day Ill get it right and I blindly still have faith in that.
Point blank. Shits hard. Life is hard. You just wait for those little moments that make it worth all the tears and frustration.
While those moments feel so far and between, they are there. Sometimes you have to search for them but they are.
I am reminding myself that I am clearly not perfect ( and neither is my partner so maybe I have to cut him some slack... Only sometimes.. ) and that tomorrow is a new day.
One day things will get easier , whether through change or through my outlook on things.
If you are struggling.. Me bloody too. It may not seem like it right now, or for the next month but you'll be okay. I promise.
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